why do i feel like this again?
shortly after i felt really teary.
i duno why i feel e way i do, n i duno why im doin these things i’m doin.
my conclusion was i see him more as a very close family member now rather than a lover. yeah i noe, i have unrealistic expectations abt love n relationships. i think bfs shld always be lovey dovey, n touch n kisses breathtaking.
i jus feel miserable n i dun wanna go thru wat i’ve gone thru for e past 5 mths, weepin in my room n cryin to my bf. i am (quite) ok being single n in comparison it seems like a better deal than bein attached to no one.
yet i feel a huge sense of loss, n i cldnt help but feel like cryin. n then i ask myself if i cld jus go back to xing xing n apparently all e problems will be solved when i go back, accordin to him. i never believed in that. it’s an excuse for him to not make a conscious effort to maintain e LDR.
n it doesnt help tt dt’s been sweet n nice. who was there when i missed my flight to salzburg, n told me he wished he cld be there wif me? actually anyone cld be.. anyone who bothers msg-ing me before my flight at 12pm SGT. i really can manage missin my flights on my own, u noe.. but a sweet text somehow jus makes things easier.
yet i’m aware tt ppl tend to be sweetest at e start. wasnt xing xing jus as sweet, if not 10 times more adorable, when we were still dating? i’m so afraid this is jus gonna be e same.. i dun wanna go thru all e breakups n heartaches anymore.
how do u even manage, when u break up wif someone u think is “the best”? who else can go ard cathedrals n museums wif me, sharin his interesting insights abt these stuffs? life seems only to bring more regrets in future.. all becos of my warped values.
dt says i’m tryin to “put one foot on each boat n see who gives more attention”, but no.. i’m not. i’m jus a fuckin confused little girl n all i wan now is time to myself, away frm all e troubles.
—
