lil’ snow white

today someone told me abt some hurtful remarks an ex-classmate-turned-colleague said abt me. he said i dun deserve to go on no pay leave for my studies. my first thot was.. “ok, that’s wat u think but as long as my bosses think otherwise, it doesnt matter?”

i thot perhaps he was lookin at some work i’ve done n thot they were crappy n thot i’m really rubbish at my job. well apparently, hearin frm another classmate, he’s been upset abt it since i came over. n e worse thing is, he’s influenced some other colleague(s) into thinkin this way.

they think “why shld e company guarantee me a job? well liddat everyone can go study n dun work alrdy.” well seriously speakin, anyone cld do so. no one is stoppin them to take a yr off n do self study or enrol on a post grad course. i took a step that’s different frm most ppl n they think i wanna leap frog them by payin a small sum of money.

oh well if they think tt spending $88k on this whole trip n earning like $2k more a month in exchange is sucha good deal, why dun they try doin it as well? to do e sums, this means 3yrs+ of additional $2k salary to recoup e capital. that’s not includin e salary i lost out while studyin for a yr!

there’s actually an easier way out: go on a one yr no pay leave, study full time at home then go on a 2 mth holiday in europe. i think this is much cheaper, but wat i wanted was to experience overseas life! i dun even understand why when u take on a lose-money venture, u have to be bitched abt by ppl behind ur back. gosh.

a girl was reportedly so affected tt she’s contemplatin leavin this unfair, undeserving company. i dun exactly understand why since i havent talked to them personally. e sabbatical is not such a great deal after all.. i’m not paid any pro-rated bonus, no benefits watsoever.

n that’s e prob.. they’re not jealous abt me havin some good deal benefits. they’re jus sick of e idea that e company is makin an arrangement which guarantees me a job after i grad. erm.. i dun really understand it. i jus like to be in a department where everyone is frenly n nice. i’ve worked quite hard in savin e relationship wif e girl-colleague but now it’s all ruined again.

felt a bit upset over all these, like no matter how i try i still cannot fit into e dept. it’s e same sense of helplessness wif xing xing… like no matter how hard i try things jus go downhill? maybe i shld jus go to another company. like maybe i shld jus change a bf.. no?

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why do i feel that no matter how i try, things r still gonna be e same, n i’m still gonna be dissatisfied? is it jus a temporary feeling cos im overseas? is it jus cos i’m lonely here in london n need some TLC?

i yearn for e passion & excitement that’s so lackin in our relationship. but then again to ask for passion n excitement when there isnt much communication in e first place seems like sthg childish. i dun wan a stagnant relationship that’s based solely on a 3-yr plan. i duno wat’s stagnant really. i can imagine a married couple, gettin their hse, givin birth to kids, raising their kids n fussin over their stuffs n period.

i duno if anyone understands. i wanna have plans. i wanna get married. i wanna get our own place. i wanna have kids. i wanna raise them n fuss over them. but i wanna have love, passion n excitement. there’s more to marriage than jus being home builders, baby factories n responsible factory managers. wat abt all e feelings n chemistry?

ok maybe i’m bein too emotional again. perhaps e only way to solve this is to detach myself emotionally frm all these.

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